I find it difficult to trust people. I think that it is something that has built up over time, as I learn and see that a lot of people can’t be trusted. This doesn’t mean that I have absolutely no trust in everyone I know, however when it comes to deeper thoughts and feelings I just find it difficult to trust people. This also doesn’t mean that it is now impossible for me to trust anyone, but I guess it is just a lot more difficult and that the person will have to prove to me that they can be trusted.
This means that the only person I am able to talk to about deep problems is myself, which I know sounds very lonely. I don’t talk aloud to myself but I tend to think a lot during any spare time I may have, which is usually on the train or just before I sleep. Over time, I’ve realised that I actually quite enjoy these moments that I get to myself to think things over. This doesn’t mean that I do not enjoy the company of my friends, however I find that the only times I am able to settle down and spend time thinking out deeper issues is when I am alone.
I tend to think about things in the past and how they can affect the present and future. I usually reflect on past events and ask why things happened the way they did, and what if something else happened instead. Fortunately there are no pressing issues in my life at the moment so most of these thoughts do not have much meaning behind them. Unfortunately, I have been very busy in the past year and I think that has taken away a lot of time where I can just sit and think or reflect on things, as there would be too much going on at any given moment and I would need to get things done and off my mind before I can even begin to think about deeper things.
I don’t think that it is particularly good for me to keep everything to myself, as I always think being able to let go of some things by telling other people is a lot more beneficial. Keeping many thoughts to myself can lead to overthinking, which is something I am trying to be wary of. There have been nights when I have barely been able to sleep, as I have just not been able to get something off my mind. However I also understand that it can be a lot more difficult to share than it may seem at first. This is one of the reasons why I started this blog: to share some of my thoughts that I may not be able to share with my friends. I always find it funny how a lot of people post things on the internet that they probably wouldn’t normally say or share to people they know, yet are willing to show it for anyone in the world to see.
I think there is actually a deeper reason as to why I don’t trust people that goes beyond just them knowing about me. I think that I fear what they will think about me, which is quite paradoxical because on one hand I would like to know what people think about me, but on the other hand I do not want to know as I fear it’s something I would not like to hear. So perhaps I need to get over my self-confidence before I will be more trusting, or perhaps I need to ensure my actions will make people think of me in ways that I will be happy with.
Am I overthinking this? Probably.